I absolutely LOVE contemporary Christian music! When I listen to it throughout my day, it helps my mind focus on God’s truths instead of all the other (mostly unimportant) things that distract me. Christian music is a form of worship for me because as I dwell on and repeat the words continually in my mind, it draws me close to God. One of my all time favorite songs is “Oceans” by Hillsong United. There is something about the melody and lyrics of this song that touches a part of my soul that is hard to describe.
“You call me out upon the waters… the great unknown where feet may fail…
……and there I find you in the mystery….in oceans deep my faith will stand.”
With the realization that God had called me out upon unknown waters in my thoughts, the visual image for this digital artwork began to crystallize in my mind. It was July of 2017, and I had been working on the Redeemer’s Heart website during my summer break from teaching. In the midst of it all, I started to think about what this calling really meant. What had I gotten myself into? Where was this leading? What had started as a vague idea from Holy Spirit in 2014 was now a functioning website, and the different features on the site were expanding as Holy Spirit continued to reveal more and more of Jesus’ plan. This plan… well, it was starting to push me out of my comfort zone. What I was feeling could be summed up in one word–FEAR. Would my feet fail? Would my faith really truly stand?
“I will call upon your name….and keep my eyes above the waves….when oceans rise….
….my soul will rest in Your embrace…for I am Yours and You are mine.”
I began to visualize an artwork that would express my ability to keep my gaze above the fear of the unknown which would be represented by waves. Using Adobe Photoshop, I began to experiment with some photos from a website that hosts royalty free stock images. I used many layers, blending modes, and digital tools to combine seven photos into a single composite image. I created a cross in the sky to represent my desire to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. I was remembering the account in Matthew 14:26-31 (NLT) where Jesus asks Peter to walk to Him on the water, but he began to sink because he looked at the waves and took his eyes off Jesus:
“When the disciples saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. In their fear, they cried out, ‘It’s a ghost!’ But Jesus spoke to them at once. ‘Don’t be afraid,’ he said. ‘Take courage. I am here!’ Then Peter called to him, ‘Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.’ ‘Yes, come,’ Jesus said. So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. But when he saw the strong wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. ‘Save me, Lord!’ he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. ‘You have so little faith.’ Jesus said. ‘Why did you doubt me?'”
“Your grace abounds in deepest waters…your sovereign hand will be my guide…”
Deepest waters…was I in “deepest waters”? Not really… Sure, I had been through some difficult things in my life that I knew God had helped me get through. But right at that moment, no, I was walking in shallow waters. Yes, I was uncomfortable, and I had some fear regarding where Redeemer’s Heart was precisely heading, but I was still okay… I still knew overall where I was heading. I was still in control, until the day I wasn’t…
Fast forward to January 3rd, 2018 and the beginning of my journey of no longer being in control. I was wide awake lying in bed, unable to sleep for the fifth night in a row. My mind felt confused as I felt a new type of fear manifesting that I had never felt before. I was trying to read with the hope that it would make me tired so I could fall asleep, but the words in front of me began to change as if my mind was playing tricks on me.
“…where feet may fail and fear surrounds me… You’ve never failed and You won’t start now.”
This was the start of what was later diagnosed as an atypical manic episode. It felt like I had no mental filter. My logic and reason took a back seat, and I felt paranoid. The next day, I found myself lying on a hospital bed with the thought in my mind that I needed to kill myself. If you know me at all, you will know how completely uncharacteristic this is for me. I can’t even recall a time that I was truly depressed. My family and doctors agreed that a recent change in my birth control pill most likely triggered the unexpected inability to sleep that led to an unhealthy mix of chemicals and hormones in my brain which caused the episode. I was sent by ambulance to a mental health facility where I remained for four days. Many prayers went up and were answered as a distinct new mental clarity and a change in my thought process took place.
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders…. Let me walk upon the waters…. Wherever You would call me…..”
“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.” This is the line of the “Oceans“ song lyrics that speaks to me most deeply. When I was still coming out of my manic episode and was experiencing fear and paranoia, “in the deepest of waters”, God spoke to me. His voice was like a megaphone in my mind. I had often experienced the soft whisper of Holy Spirit, but this was totally different. It was almost audible and so loud that it woke me up. The first thing God said was simply the word “TRUST”. My response was something like, “Okay, I think I can do that.”
In that place and in that moment, I felt like I was actually living out my digital artwork, “He Called Me Out”, and God was asking me to simply TRUST. Later that day, 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV) came into my thoughts: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
After the word “TRUST”, I heard the word “PATIENCE” followed by “RELATIONSHIPS”. And then God asked me the question, “WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT?” Even in my confused and tired mental state, the first thing that came to my mind when He asked me this question was Redeemer’s Heart. It was at that moment that I knew finishing the website and launching Redeemer’s Heart needed to be a priority. I knew that God’s will for my life and my own desires were in harmony.
I gradually began to recover as I got more rest. God was there through and in all of it. His hand literally WAS my guide…in my FEAR of the unknown….in the DEEPEST of waters. I physically felt His presence as more and more mental confusion began to turn to truth and clarity. Although my own “feet” and “strength” had failed me, God carried me through and healed me.
“Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander… And my faith will be made stronger… In the presence of my Savior.”
This experience led me to a deep trust in God like I had never known before. I had always thought I was “all in” and “fully surrendered” to God’s plan for my life, but I wasn’t. I see this clearly now. I don’t know how I missed it in the years leading up to my manic episode. I think I was so caught up in the busyness of life and trying to DO things for God instead of just spending time WITH Him that I “missed the forest for the trees”.
Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing about what happened to me. I am actually glad it happened because my faith is stronger, and I now feel a much deeper intimacy with God the Father, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. It makes me think of the story of Joseph in the book of Genesis. Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers, but then God used this turn of events to elevate him to the governor of Egypt by Pharaoh. As the governor, he was in charge of preparing for a famine which enabled him to help his family, including the very brothers who sold him into slavery.
“Speaking to his brothers, Joseph said, ‘You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done…'” Genesis 50:20 (NIV)
My feet are still “wandering” every day upon the waters…one step at a time. What I have learned is that the deeper and more unknown the waters are, the more God shows up and equips me and the stronger my trust becomes. I don’t know where God’s plan and path will lead me from here.…but that’s okay. The decisions are easy when I simply choose to follow Him.
In His Love,
Elana
Have you had a similar experience? Is there a song that really speaks to you? Or have you ever done an artwork inspired by a song? I would LOVE to hear your answers and comments below.
Elana Brownfield
Digital artist and founder of Redeemer's Heart
2 thoughts on “He Called Me Out”
I really appreciate the time and energy you gave to compose this message. I deeply appreciate your transparency in struggles, which highlight God’s love and grace. This is one of my favorite pieces you have created! Thank you for being a vessel and inspiration.
Thank you Marci! It’s not always easy to share our shame, but I have found that the beauty of sharing the hard parts of our testimonies is that through our weaknesses, the power, grace, and love of God is seen the most clearly. When we are weak, He is strong.❤️